My Dear Son, Gabriel,
I know that I hurt you in so many ways. I was in a very dark place but I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I was looking for someone to love me and above all someone who would give me attention. I would have settled for any level of attention whether it was healthy or abusive. It didn’t matter. As long as I did not find myself alone and in despair of rejection.
Son, I am ashamed to say that I didn’t know how to love you. Now that you are gone, I have tried hard to understand what about me made me an abusive, destructive and harmful parent. I wished I had had the strength or the knowledge to reach out and get help to connect with my frightened little girl. To learn to love and help make my little girl feel safe, to nurture her when she was scared, to let her know that she was never alone, to help heal her when she was hurting. To love her unconditionally. I wished I had learned parenting skills to develop and nurture my little girl and, in turn, learn how to parent you. I would have learned how to protect you, to create a safe and stable home, to nurture and help you heal. But I didn’t know how to do any of those things. I betrayed my little girl and, in the process, I betrayed you, too, my son.
I now realize why I hurt you. I’ve looked deep inside and found my wounded and shattered little girl. Every time my little girl felt lost, neglected and abandoned; I would hurt you more. I know that there are no excuses for my behavior. But I want you to understand. My little girl went through extreme terror, pain, and fear. My little girl experienced terror so extreme that I equated loss of love with the terror of not being able to survive – and that fear instead of love is what led to things getting so out of control that I was not present to protect you. Instead of loving you, it was fear which led to the terrible decisions and even stronger feelings of pain, anxiety, and disgust. I am so sorry – so very sorry.
I pray that someone is there to lead you to a safe place, a place I could not help you find. I pray that you have found the light where pain and sorrow have ended and where your little broken soul and spirit will be mended. I pray for faith to know that you have found your way to a safe, stable, loving, nurturing and healing place. Hope is not lost, my dear son. I am connecting with you now and I will never stop loving and thinking of you.
—Your Mom
This story was based on a true story, but the outcome is projected from the family coaches in the Building Forever Families Initiative project. The family coaches confidently portrayed what could have happened if someone was listening to the pain of this mother. Someone who would have helped her embrace her feelings of anger and worthlessness – while connecting with her to create a safety net, loving and healing environment so that she could begin to live in harmony with her little girl rather than in fear. She deserved to heal and become whole and worthy of being loved. The family coaches would have helped her through this very challenging journey to a better place and to a better outcome for her son Gabriel.